


Lemonade

by ReyDoneGoofed



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:53:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26809924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReyDoneGoofed/pseuds/ReyDoneGoofed
Summary: //Warning- slut-shaming, reference to self harm/ thoughts of suicide, sad.//((Hey everyone, just letting yall know that I wrote this before I'd heard the news^TM. I'm not sharing my opinion on it, but I am letting yall know this wasn't in reference to what happened. This fic was written so I could pour out all my self hatred with two fake versions of real people  in the attempt to chase away the darkness for a little while longer. Yes, I will still write with this Fandom and this pairing.))Ray slumped down in his computer chair reading over the conversation from last night. He and his close friend Ryan were flirting back and forth like they usually do, sending each other dirty texts and selfies that had Ray biting his lip in bed the night before- but today? Today reading over those texts made Ray feel fucking sick. He cringed at the words he’d sent his friend feeling like the worst kind of person.
Relationships: Ryan Haywood/Ray Narvaez Jr.
Kudos: 7





	Lemonade

**Author's Note:**

> I'm okay
> 
> Update: please don't leave any comments concerning recent events, they will be deleted. I dont care what your opinion is, I dont even care if you hold the same opinions as I do, the comment section for this fic is exactly that; for this fic. I hope you all understand, thank you and have a lovely day, night, week. <3

Ray slumped down in his computer chair reading over the conversation from last night. He and his close friend Ryan were flirting back and forth like they usually do, sending each other dirty texts and selfies that had Ray biting his lip in bed the night before- but today? Today reading over those texts made Ray feel fucking sick. He cringed at the words he’d sent his friend feeling like the worst kind of person.

Ray just knew his other friends thought of him as a slut, a whore, easy. He couldn't help it when he suddenly got into that weird mood where he’s messaging strangers on the internet trying to find a quick fix of serotonin, eventually leading him to use one of his closest friends and feeling like absolute human trash afterward. He couldn't stand that awful feeling the next day. Logically he knew that the flirting was well reciprocated but he just couldn't understand why Ryan would actually want someone as damaged as he is. It just didn't make sense.

Ray took a deep breath trying to wrest away the thoughts of pure disgust and hatred for himself. Nothing was keeping his attention enough to pull himself away from the thoughts. No video game or tv show was working. He knew he could text Michael or Gavin and they'd talk him through it but honestly, he didn't want to. He didn't see the point, he’d start to feel better but crash right back down once something triggered the mood. It was inevitable that he’d feel low again. There was nothing he could do to counteract it.

His friends were great but he didn't deserve them. He just felt so sad. So low. So-so fucking low. Lower than the deepest hole in the deepest ocean, what was it called? He knew it he knew that he knew it, what the fuck was it called. The melancholic feeling was quickly overtaken by a deep seated rage. Ray took another deep breath letting himself smile at the new feeling. Anger always felt better than the numbing sadness, at least anger meant he still had some sort of spark left in him, some sort of energy still lingering around like a stalker he just can't escape from. It wouldn't last though, he knew that. The anger never lasted, and once it dissipated Ray knew that the sadness would return tenfold- The fucking Marianas trench, the challengers deep- that's what its called.

The crushing weight of the anger fading away fueled a burst of energy that Ray was surprised he still had. The lad launched himself out of his computer chair, his thoughts suddenly overtaken by this stupid little habit that he knew wouldn't really help. He knew it wouldn't help but he couldn't stop himself. It was an addiction, one he picked up a long time ago when he was far too young to fully understand the consequences. He didn’t wanna die. He just wanted the pain to stop, to be different. For some fucked up reason his brain translated that to pulling anything sharp into his skin until little red droplets rose up to the surface. It was fine, he didn't have to bleed much, just enough for the feeling to change.

Ray never used anything that would scar obviously, he would dig his nails into his arm or smash a small piece of plastic, he used a real blade once and once only and he'd never do it again. He didn't want to die. He just wanted the feeling to change, it didn't even need to stop, it just needed to be different. He grabbed at the half full energy drink that tastes like sweet tarts and candy instead of what he really wanted to find. He chugged the drink, searching frantically for a distraction.

Last night was the third night in a row that he’d hung out with friends, desperately using them to chase away the wretched feeling of despair and distraught that flooded his brain, phasing out any logical thoughts that would have helped out any neurotypical person. He wanted to get fucked up, wanted to take as many drugs as he could find. He didn't do drugs but it was a joke in his friend group that he had the personality of a hardcore stoner. If only they knew how many times he’d gotten close to chugging hard liquor to chase down a full bottle of pills. He didn't even like alcohol.

He told one of his coworkers recently that he was depressed. The next day the coworker asked him why he’d said that. _“You say you're depressed but I always see you smiling and joking around.”_ He had no idea how to respond to that. He still didn't but he thought about it a lot now. Was he faking his depression? How could he be such a good actor that not a single person he knew thought he was struggling in any fashion? Even when he told them he was feeling like shit they didn't believe him or they say they hadn't noticed.

He can't ask for help- he needs help. He physically can't bring himself to ask for help, it's impossible. He doesn't get how people think it's so easy. “Just ask for help.” _How the fuck do you expect me to do that?_ He asks himself. Rays just standing in the middle of his room unmoving, still holding the now empty can of zero calorie liquid energy, frozen like a block of ice. Outwardly he’s calm, a nice charming neutral expression to his face.

Ray doesn't even understand why he feels this way. His life is good, really good. He’s not exactly lacking anything he wants or needs. His life is good, he shouldn't feel like this, it doesn't make sense. He’s stressed about nothing, dreading the next two seconds, panicking over a fucking text that was well received and responded to. Ryan didn't ghost him, he ghosted Ryan. Ryan, so sweet, always takes Ray's moods in stride, never questions why Ray will just suddenly stop texting.

Ray knows he doesn't deserve Ryan, Ryans too sweet. Much too sweet for someone as sour as Lemonade like Ray. Ryan is like a fresh strawberry- no Ray hates strawberries- bad analogy. Ryan, he’s like a beautiful daisy, chocolate ice cream with drizzle and whipped cream and chopped Oreos, Ryan’s that feeling that Ray gets when he perfects a video game, what Ray expects happiness to feel like. 

Ray’s like salty lemonade. Overly tart, sour lemonade. Rays a poison that’ll wither Ryan's roses. Ray is toxic and broken and hurting. Ryan shouldn't like him, why does Ryan like him? It doesn't make sense. Ray’s like finding naked pictures of your boyfriend's ex on his phone, saved into the favorite’s folder. Ray’s not sure what that feels like but he's sure it probably sucks. He’s never felt a heartbreak, always keeping crushes at arm's length or breaking up first. He wants to know what that feeling is like, is it the same as what he feels almost every day?

Ray feels like he’s the equivalent of eating a cup of straight ground black pepper. His personality isn't very easy to swallow.

**Author's Note:**

> I've been feeling really depressed for a lot longer than usual now so my next fixs might be a bit darker than usual but ill try my best to brighten things up for you all. Dont worry Ill be fine eventually. I've always been spotty with writing but this is why I didn't continue as much as I said I would and I do apologize greatly for that. Please be safe stay healthy, if you ever need to talk my discord is Rey#7421


End file.
